Some things just seem to stick with you for whatever reason, and you never really know why until you think for a long time about it, and even then you might not have an answer. Or at least not one that you wanna talk about publically. For me those things are anything gross... blowfly girl especially.
I started thinking about it more when I finished replaying the RPG Maker horror game Mermaid Swamp. In the game there's an urban legend about a man who finds a mermaid by the sea and takes her back home, keeping her in a fish tank full of water from the swamp next to his house. Her skin swelled and her scales fell off, not used to the swamp water, and she dies. That made me realize just how much I connect with the "pretty thing turns disgusting" trope, idk how else you would describe it. You could compare it to an apple rotting, I guess.
(Side note, the translation notes for Mermaid Swamp were posted on my 14th birthday. Just thought that was neat)
Blowfly girl is kinda different though, she's not just a made up story, she's a real person with self destructive tendencies. I read her blog posts when I was a teen going through some really heavy stuff, and while it IS gross I found it more sad and relatable than anything, especially in the entries where she opens up about her depression.
There's like, an urge to take your negative feelings and turn it against yourself as a kind of self harm, and then you can't talk about it with anybody which just makes you feel worse and the cycle goes on and on and on. You live through this, and you try to present as normally as possible, but inside you're rotten and decaying. There was a long period of time where I couldn't even think of representing myself in art as something cute without extreme distress, but I'm glad I've moved past that because I really like drawing my bunny self.
But still even when you've healed from what happened, that feeling never really goes away. You just learn how to deal with it better, and art has really helped me with that. Like there's something cathartic about drawing what's basically a cooler and sexier version of you getting run over by a car.
Okay. Well. Maybe that's just me.
Anyways, I don't really know what compelled me to write all this. I've tried to do it before but always ended up deleting it out of embarrassment, so I guess this is a step forward? Who knows.